Edd's Gatherin' Place

After experiencing the compelling urge to write to a friend about some inner frustrations the following letter (e-mail) emerged but its length suggested otherwise:

Friend,

Over the past several months, I have overheard some whispered conversations between my daughter and wife but thought they were talking about her divorce and never truly eavesdropped. Although a really thoughtful husband would NEVER eavesdrop on a woman’s conversation, isn’t that correct? Levity, my wife’s always accusing me of hiding my emotions behind the flippant wit or some form of humor.

Nevertheless, the conversations have not been about my daughter but about my son. After supper last night, he asked if he and I would go for a little ride around the farm. Since they are currently harvesting soybeans and plowing under cornfields and peanut fields, I thought nothing of it just getting out of the house is a joy for me.

A long story made short – he is changing career fields in the Reserves, which upon their next rotation to Iraq will put him on the front lines. Previously he has been further back in Munitions building the bombs and missiles for the F16 fighter planes. In fact, my son with his name written on the casing assembled the first bunker-busting bomb dropped at the start of the Iraq war.

What makes this even harder for me is that I am a Republican and from the beginning have supported the war on terrorism and in Iraq. Although after Vietnam – I never served because of a loss of one aye at the age of four but became very active against those opposing the war especially individuals like John Kerry. I was even among those activists in attendance when John F. Kerry gave his “Winter’s Soldier” testimony before Fulbright’s Senate Committee on Foreign Relations on April 22, 1971. Fulbright allowed Kerry’s followers to applaud and cheer while threatening us with expulsion.

Some of my experiences growing up I wrote in a post “About Me” awhile back that may or may not explain my state of mind at the time. Although I must admit, I did change my mind later on in life about our strategy in Vietnam but by 1971 several of my good friends died fighting leaving me here alone because I could not go. My friends along with slightly over 58,000 others gave their lives for our country in Vietnam. My change over Vietnam came about not because I came to believe America and their Allis were wrong but that I became an amateur student in the study of the principals of battle. I image there existed in me a sense of shame because first I did not or could not go and second being the only one left here and alive. I swore then I would never let my son go to war – don’t ever say never.

I have had to watch my son, with an M-16 rifle slung over his shoulder each time, board a plane to fight in the Gulf War, Afghanistan, and Iraq. Each time, deep down, I’ve felt the fear of every parent sending his or her child off to war but outwardly, I’ve always supported each action because of the world we now live in. These men and women are doing the job of the military protecting the very sovereignty of our country and the lives of us left behind – every individual to include, my wife, children, grandchildren and even myself.

Friend, I am now afraid, afraid at age 59. I do not think that through any of my most harrowing experiences growing up I’ve been truly afraid until now. Not even with the heart attacks or when Dr. Chabolla, Mayo Clinic, first informed me that I had a rare brain disease have I been this afraid. In most ways, I now feel like a true hypocrite abandoning all my previous beliefs. Yes, Marines will protect his forward position but somehow that does not alleviate the gnawing knot in my stomach.

Sorry to send such a tristful and depressing e-mail but I’ve been alone all day and since my illness I tend to dwell longer on issues than I should. I’m not the quick and decisive decision maker of the past.

After running this e-mail through my Word Prediction software – the only way that I can now write although the sentences may appear stilted at times – I am mumbling whether or not to send it. If you do receive it, then I apologize for the length but more so using you as a sounding board.

Cordially yours,

Edd…